A lot can happen to a person; a lot can happen when life changes and we find ourselves in the thick of it all. Having a child changes a lot in a woman - it did me.
For the longest time since having my son, I’ve felt lost. In some respect I was very sure of what I no longer wanted, and at the same time utterly unsteady in my ability to succeed at what I thought my new vision for my life was.
It has been heartbreaking. At the start of last year, I started working with an executive coach to help me navigate the waters as I chart a new path for myself, and he recently had me take a test to determine my level of burnout. A score less than 70 out of 100 in any area would be considered concerning. Out of the 10 areas of focus, I scored no more than 60 in all areas, with my lowest chore being 18. 18 out of 100! Le that sink in. A shocking score, but unsurprising.
A friend recently shared a social media post with me about how female flamingos lose their pink pigment after having their young. A phenomenon that happens as a result of nutrient deficiency as they put all their effort and energy into feeding their young. Of course, I’d seen the post many times before, but this time, it struck a nerve. I’d lost my pink, for far too long.
I know many of us find ourselves lost every now and again, for whatever reason. It can feel scary, and like there is no hope.
My executive coach told me about one side-effect of burnout that I hadn’t considered before: paralysis. With the year coming to an end, and the custom of setting New Year’s resolutions to usher the new year, he felt it would be a good time to set some intentions for the new year. I felt myself panic - I didn’t want the pressure! Convinced I’d fall short of my goals yet again, I didn’t think I had the energy to survive yet another disappointment. I think he could tell, because he sat there and talked the goals out of me one at a time, one sentence at a time, one word at a time, one thought at a time. I was relieved when that was done, but I left with the lingering fear that I was going to fail. Look at the past few years - so much failure. Why would the next twelve months be any different?
I don’t know what made my friend send me that post, but I know I was eternally grateful to the universe for the little smoke signal. It almost felt like a hug, a way to say, “you’re going to be ok; just try”.
So I’m going to try, earnestly try. With one petition in hand - “let me rise again, let me have my pink back”. If I don’t achieve much else this year, this little I’m holding out for - to have my pink back. I think that’s a manageable resolution.
I know many of us find ourselves lost every now and again, for whatever reason. It can feel scary, and like there is no hope. But perhaps, with a healthy dose of self-compassion and gentleness, we can band together this year to heal ourselves. To rise again? I hope you will join me. Here’s to the year of pink!
With all my love,
Kate
